Two things I’ve never done.

Lit a firework or owned a pet. The first because I’m terminally clumsy and would never have made it to adulthood with a full complement of fingers. The second because I just don’t understand why anyone would want to own a dog or a cat. I know – millions of people do, and they all cite reasons of love and companionship. I’ve tried to empathise but I still prefer to find those things among my own species. Today we’ll hear the annual warning to those who do light fireworks and own pets. Keep your four-legged “friends” indoors. Classic FM will be playing gentle classical music to assuage their fear of fireworks. Though apparently, a slow reggae rhythm is even more soothing. So tonight, bring your dogs inside and play them this. However, since all cats are fundamentally evil, put them outside and let off a few rockets.