Oh God. I should have stood for mayor.

I’ll never get a better chance of winning. London votes for its new mayor today but it’s hard to imagine two less inspiring candidates than Zac Goldsmith and Sadiq Khan. One, the son of a billionaire, comes over as aloof, privileged and out of touch. The other, the son of a bus conductor, seems to think that alone qualifies him to be Mayor. I should have stood. I’m neither Labour nor Tory. I’m left wing, I’m right-wing, I’m both, I’m neither. Just like the vast majority of Londoners. Whereas Goldsmith and Khan – especially Khan – are just dreary career politicians dismally unfit to run the greatest city in the world. I could have thrashed both of them. All I’d have needed to do was stand on the stump and sing this.