I went to Hell and back yesterday.

Well, Earls Court. But the Ideal Home Exhibition really is the Seventh Circle of Hell. I think was there for about two hours in a sea of suburban slacks but I’ve expunged most of it from my memory. I vaguely remember a cretin demonstrating some sort of cleaning implement, “Perfect”, he declared, “For hosing the conservatory or the caravan!” It was then that I had a complete neurological shutdown. The only other thing I remember was a Smeg denim fridge. It reminded me of a VW Beetle I once owned. It was a special “Jeans” edition – bright orangey-yellow with blue denim upholstery. Very 70s retro, just like this denim-related tune from the same era. Trouble was, like all 70s Beetles, it was painfully slow. 0-60 in half an hour which wasn’t great for the street cred. Though not half as bad, I suspect, as being seen at the Ideal Home Exhibition.